I spent too much time watching boy meets world this weekend. The thing is I love Cory and Topanga but their relationship isn’t as ideal as the world thinks it is.

I was supposed to go on an ice cream date Saturday night with a guy I’ve talked to for awhile, but Friday night he got kinda quiet and then Saturday we didn’t talk until the afternoon. Finally he said I guess we’re not going out tonight huh and I told him well I figured you’d started losing interest since we’d barely talked. He kind of just oh welled it and said some other time. We haven’t actually talked since.

Usually I just feel like if you don’t meet someone within about a week then you’re not gonna meet them at all. There are exceptions but I don’t think this is one of them.

I’ve been kind of down and missing someone lately. I know one of my biggest problems is I need to let him go and then my life will move forward again but it’s awfully hard. I compare a lot of people to him.

As un-ideal as I think Cory and Topangas relationship is, the truth is I do believe in that kind of fate, that kind of serendipity. I used to have a lot of it in my life and I think maybe I might be missing it. I’m missing the wild and free side of me.

The gummy bear hater

I met a guy who was easy to talk to. We had a lot of common interest but we also had a lot of different interest that complimented each other. We were witty and sarcastic and could banter back and forth.

We went on a date to a coffee shop where music was playing. It was nice, there was a little bit of awkward first time meeting tension but we still talked the whole time.

He was a gentlemen but of course I had that guilty feeling. The he’s not giving me butterflies feeling. I pushed through it and tried to put the thoughts out of my head.

At the end of the night he walked me to my car and kissed me. Two days later he said he thought we Vibed better as friends, and I said I agreed I didn’t feel the right vibe but I don’t necessarily think being friends with someone after you’ve gone on a date with them is that simple. I know how selfish it sounds but I didn’t make a dating profile to make friends. There’s a different kind of investment in that and honestly it’s just not the kind of investment I’m looking to make. So we left it at that. I wish him the best but onwards and upwards.

The clingy good guy

About two weeks ago I went on a date with a guy who was genuinely sweet. He didn’t try to act like anything or anyone but himself. He wasn’t very confident, but any guy who isn’t totally full himself deserves a try.

Within three or four days he asked me on a date and I wasn’t busy so we went. I normally don’t go on a date when I’m asked to meet an hour later but I figured why not. After a half hour of getting ready I was on my way. The traffic was awful as it always is where I live but I got there on time. I sat on a bench waiting, and my heart kind of sank when I finally had the moment to breathe and realize: there were no butterflies. I wasn’t nervous.

When he came up to me we did the awkward one arm hug and just small talked for a second before going inside. We ordered and I still wasn’t feeling anything. He’s shy so I had to keep the conversation going. I felt like I had to ask a hundred questions. He was nice he answered everything honestly. The thing is I didn’t have a bad time, but again I felt nothing.

He paid and we talked a little longer before leaving. As soon as I got home he started about wanting a second date and a relationship in the future. I agreed to a second date because he was a nice guy but knew it wasn’t going to happen for at least a week because I had too much going on. I also explained I wasn’t ready to just jump into a relationship. We only knew each other a few days that would be crazy.

Within two days he was telling me how much he missed me and just acting like we were in a relationship and it made me uncomfortable. I don’t believe in ghosting people. I think it’s fucked up and hurtful. We’re adults, let’s act like them. So I made the decision I had to let him go, but it was hard because he was so nice. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I told him I needed more work on me before committing to a relationship. I know, I know I did the cliche it’s not you it’s me, but I didn’t know what else to do. I really didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

I said we could stay friends and I meant it. He’s a nice guy I thought it would be okay to just check up on him once in awhile. But I didn’t mean text every day, and double text when I don’t respond. I know it’s my fault because I should have been honest about not feeling the vibe. I hope the best for him, unfortunately it’s not me.

First dates

I’ve been on hundreds of first dates. Sometimes I do get to second a third and beyond dates but those are a little fewer. But first dates? Countless.

I’ve been single, like really single for almost three years now. I enjoy my single life and I definitely take breaks from dating but I would like to find someone to spend my life with sooner or later. The biggest problem is I haven’t felt really butterflies in that time period either. I haven’t had the nervous jitters in meeting someone. I haven’t gotten that swoon feeling.

Maybe that’s because I know what I want and I’ve come to a point of high expectations. But I don’t want to lower my standards and I definitely don’t want to settle. If you don’t leave me craving you, waiting for your next text or call, thinking about you at night, then I don’t want you. I’ve been in love before and I’ve had those undescribable feelings. The two times I’ve been in love or what I would consider in love, I’ve known from the moment is started. I knew in the moment I met each of them that they were going to be a part of my life. And I was right. And I don’t regret them at all.

And I miss having those feelings. It was exciting. It was nice having someone to share my life with. It was fun to have an adventure buddy. I loved being in love. But lately I’ve  especially noticed the lack of those feelings. I’ve actually had more on to the next one moments than I want to admit. Sometimes I can really chalk it up to feeling lonely but others I feel like maybe I’ve becomes completely jaded and I don’t know how to snap out of that.

But maybe those moments and first dates are still teaching me lessons… or at least I can hope. On to the next date.