The surfer dude

I met a really great guy last week. Conversation just flowed so easily. We talked about goals and traveling and our lives and silly things too.

He was pretty quick to ask me out on a date and I quickly said yes. It was before even exchanging numbers. We spent the next two days talking a lot and he picked me up Saturday afternoon.

I had an great time. We went to sushi and talked for about an hour and a half. You could tell our waiter was ready to get rid of us. There was never really a bump in our conversation. He had to work that night so we couldn’t hang out after.

I text him and told him I had a great time and he said he did too. We talked the next morning but he was exhausted and still on a twelve hour overnight shift at work.

And then that was it. I text him later that day saying to have a good day at work and haven’t heard from him again. Bummer because he was the first I had liked and really vibed with in quite some time.

This morning I woke up to a friend request on Snapchat from Jamie. He’s the one I wished I’d had the balls to write his name a few months ago. He can go fuck himself.

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Breakthrough

I feel like I really finally realized today how much I want to keep pushing and moving forward with my life. I know this blog is mostly just about dates I go on, but the truth is I’m not always at my happiest and I do want and crave a bit of change.

There’s people I just need to let go of and say that to. It becomes a serious pattern that guys just always come back and I need to cut it off so it just stops.

I love the reckless wild and free me. And I kind of miss her. Maybe I’ve just become so consumed in other things that she hasn’t been around much lately.

First date in 2019

Last night I went on a Starbucks date with a guy I hadn’t really talked to a whole lot. We matched Monday, and he was incredibly charming. He took interest in my career and ethnicity and kind of said all the right things.

After a half hour we got kicked out of Starbucks (who knew they closed at 8:30?!?) so we went and talked in my car.

The end result was admitting we wanted different things, but it wasn’t a bad situation. I’m glad he was open and honest about what he wants and has good reasons for not wanting a relationship. A lot of guys will ask to stay friends and normally I brush it off because I feel like it could be a waste of time but he’s a nice guy and I do kinda hope we stay friends.

It was a good first date of 2019

I do believe in fate, it just works in really fucked up ways sometimes

This isn’t my first dating blog. My last one started while I was just graduating college, my friend and I joint together as single ladies to write up posts, and I’d just gotten out of the most serious relationship I’d ever been in.

We’d only been together for a year when we called it quits but we called it quits when we were about to get engaged. To be fair I’d also just graduated college and my life was changing rapidly.

We loved our story and if I’m being honest I still do. It was a fairy tale and everything was centered around coincidences and serendipities, my favorite. I can still tell you the exact moment I knew I was in love with him.

After our break up for the first year we still spoke and ahem got into bed with each other quite a bit. Over time as our lives changed it was less and less but every once in awhile we’d pop back in.

Last Christmas was rough, my nieces lost their dad to overdose on Christmas Eve and the next few weeks were a whirlwind and he really did try to be there for me. Cut to March where we get into an argument over something I wasn’t happy about and he blocks me, now this isn’t the first time I was blocked, and quite frankly I think it’s immature.

This is about the time I guess I should tell you about some of those coincidences. We met when I was in college at my littles house party. I don’t remember it because I was drunk plain and simple. He asked them for my number, they told him no out of respect for me but that this was my full name, he looks me up on Facebook and realizes we have a lot more mutual friends than just them. Including his family. Who live in a different state. He messages me going hey how do you know them and we’ll it’s because I grew up with them when I was a teen and we went to school together. Turns out while we were both living 350 miles from where we’d grown up somehow we’d found each other.

I tell you this because quite frankly blocking me is the dumbest thing you can do. I know your family and if I wanna go crazy bitch I can go and show up at their door or have them tell you to contact me. Also blocking me on Facebook? What do you think I don’t have your number? I do.

Fortunately I’m not a crazy bitch and I didn’t do any of that, but there were a few times over the year when I wanted to contact him and being blocked I felt I couldn’t. So when all of a sudden just a week before what would have been our five year anniversary he pops out of nowhere sends me a friend request and messages I just had to do an eye roll.

And I decided I was done. I didn’t accept it and I ignored the messages. But did that really give me satisfaction? I don’t know. Last night I was thinking about how I’d just like to snoop on his page to be quite honest. And then bam, I woke up to another friend request. And then the coincidence wheels start turning. And now I’m left unsure of what I want to do.

Mercury has been in retrograde

In the past week I have had:

A guy who I had 1, yes 1, conversation with in 2015, contact me on tinder again.

A guy I talked to in 2015 text me saying happy birthday (not my birthday) then apologizing over it and try to have a conversation with me.

An ex who I broke up with in 2014 (but still stayed in contact with/messed around with) but haven’t spoken to in a year tell me how much he misses me.

Mercury, get your shit together.

The boy I will always dedicate my thanksgiving grateful to

I had just ended the most serious relationship I’d ever had when he walked into my life. He was so sly with his “so when am I going to see you” type comments. Confident. Never doubting anything about us. We had so much fun. I will never forget the day before my parents came for my college graduation telling him he couldn’t sleep over because my parents would be there early in the morning. And what did he do? He showed up at my door that night like every other night since thanksgiving and slept over. And when we slept through my alarm and my parents called that they were only a few minutes away we hustled to get him out of there. My parents weren’t even aware that I had ended my last relationship.

We had a good thing going for a few months, but ultimately he moved. We kept in rather close touch though. It’s like he knew when to pop back in. I’ll never forget the last time I saw him. How we laughed about the good old times while cuddling. How we talked about if we had continued on from the beginning we probably wouldn’t have had the kind of friendship relationship we did.

My friends and I always have a huge Friendsgiving and last year as we reminisced the past, he came up in conversation. Nothing bad, but although he wasn’t a part of my friends group there were memories he was a part of. And I swore that night he was about to pop up again. Because that’s who he was.

But then he didn’t. Two days later I went to look at his Facebook page and was shocked at what I found. He had been murdered just a few days before. I was shocked. I was so sad. I spent the next hour going through my last few conversations with him and how upset I was to never be able to say a word again.

I do believe in fate. It just works in really fucked up ways sometimes. So while thanksgiving was when we met, it was also oddly when I had no choice but to say goodbye. He was special to me. He made me feel beautiful whenever I needed it. He truly knew my worth more than a lot of other men who I’ve encountered. I think I’ll always miss him, but he’s someone I will always think the most highly of.

#metoo

I’ve never actually posted publicly of my abuser. I felt ashamed and guilty and more of a maybe I deserved it or asked for it than anything else. I don’t even know if I hated him for it because I started to hate myself.

Yesterday I was swiping on tinder and his profile came up. It’s been almost four years since I’ve seen him or spoke to him or known anything of his existence and it just shocked me. I didn’t immediately swipe left I looked through the profile, almost to make sure it was really him. It was.

In hindsight I wish I had reported the profile, but when I was finally sure it was him it was an immediate left and close out tinder. I just want nothing to do with him.