The death of dating apps and iron man.

I decided I needed a change and although I do not practice religion, I thought it would be great to use Lent as a time for change. I grew up going to Catholic elementary school. I was baptized and did my first communion. It’s not that my parents were religious freaks, we just lived in a really bad area and going to the public school wouldn’t have worked out. So for Lent every year we would be told to give something up, our usual was chocolate and we’d spend the next forty days chocolate-less and going to church to Confess our sins. Confession was quite literally the worst part of my childhood, I mean probably worst than my parents separation, but that can be for another post.

So last Monday although Lent didn’t start until Wednesday I started my journey. I started the attempt at eating healthier, logging and really tracking what I was putting into my body. Tracking my sleep patterns in an attempt to try and understand why I wake up so much during the night. And the big one: giving up dating apps.

I’ve been on such a dating rut that I thought it’d be good to step back, reevaluate and just have some me time. I was really quite excited for this experiment. I wrote lists of things I wanted to do and accomplish with my time. I started reflecting on day to day things. I vowed to write more often.

Then on Tuesday my car, iron man, got hit, while parked, in broad daylight by a drunk driver. It was totaled. And then came the anxiety. What was I going to do? I rely on my car as part of work. I knew it wouldn’t be worth much and I live paycheck to paycheck with no savings. I cried and I breathed and I tried really hard to get through it but it didn’t help that I was quite literally working 16 hour days all week. I would be okay one minute but cry myself to sleep every night. The irony was when I got home on Tuesday my sister had sent me a package, I knew there would be a plethora of kcups because she had gotten me a keurig for Christmas but when I opened it and then first item at the top was a carphone holder (mine had been stolen last month) I just lost it. My sister had been so thoughtful, but I didn’t even have a car anymore to put it in.

I got through the week. Things aren’t totally resolved but baby steps have been made. I will get a check for my car and I will try to buy a new used one. It was definitely a wake up call for the need to make more money.

I’m trying to look at it as a blessing in disguise. My car was old and falling apart. I’d put more money into it in the past year and a half than necessary. I have to be thankful that I wasn’t in the car and that I’m safe and that I wasn’t in a horrible accident with it. There are other blessings to look at during this time that give me the opportunity to even have money to replace it.

I’m proud of how I handled last week. I may have cried but I got through it and I did everything I needed to do and I (for the most part) continued trying to eat healthier (except the weekend) and I didn’t swipe on any app. I even took care of myself this weekend and got a pedicure.

I’m still sad though because my car was a mark of a big change in my life. I totaled my first car in a bad accident in 2010 and after that I knew I needed a major change. I bought my car a week later, and spent the next year seriously soul searching which ended in moving to Virginia a year later. My car took me too Virginia, many trips home, was trusted through college, took me to my first professional gigs. It took me to school and work but also the beach and all my favorite places. It dealt with a lot of laughs, a lot of cries, a lot of drives to clear my head. So maybe this is a sign that it was time to move on, and that new beginnings are coming. I will embrace them with open arms.

Did I mention mercury went into retrograde on Tuesday?

Mercury has been in retrograde

In the past week I have had:

A guy who I had 1, yes 1, conversation with in 2015, contact me on tinder again.

A guy I talked to in 2015 text me saying happy birthday (not my birthday) then apologizing over it and try to have a conversation with me.

An ex who I broke up with in 2014 (but still stayed in contact with/messed around with) but haven’t spoken to in a year tell me how much he misses me.

Mercury, get your shit together.

The boy I will always dedicate my thanksgiving grateful to

I had just ended the most serious relationship I’d ever had when he walked into my life. He was so sly with his “so when am I going to see you” type comments. Confident. Never doubting anything about us. We had so much fun. I will never forget the day before my parents came for my college graduation telling him he couldn’t sleep over because my parents would be there early in the morning. And what did he do? He showed up at my door that night like every other night since thanksgiving and slept over. And when we slept through my alarm and my parents called that they were only a few minutes away we hustled to get him out of there. My parents weren’t even aware that I had ended my last relationship.

We had a good thing going for a few months, but ultimately he moved. We kept in rather close touch though. It’s like he knew when to pop back in. I’ll never forget the last time I saw him. How we laughed about the good old times while cuddling. How we talked about if we had continued on from the beginning we probably wouldn’t have had the kind of friendship relationship we did.

My friends and I always have a huge Friendsgiving and last year as we reminisced the past, he came up in conversation. Nothing bad, but although he wasn’t a part of my friends group there were memories he was a part of. And I swore that night he was about to pop up again. Because that’s who he was.

But then he didn’t. Two days later I went to look at his Facebook page and was shocked at what I found. He had been murdered just a few days before. I was shocked. I was so sad. I spent the next hour going through my last few conversations with him and how upset I was to never be able to say a word again.

I do believe in fate. It just works in really fucked up ways sometimes. So while thanksgiving was when we met, it was also oddly when I had no choice but to say goodbye. He was special to me. He made me feel beautiful whenever I needed it. He truly knew my worth more than a lot of other men who I’ve encountered. I think I’ll always miss him, but he’s someone I will always think the most highly of.

#metoo

I’ve never actually posted publicly of my abuser. I felt ashamed and guilty and more of a maybe I deserved it or asked for it than anything else. I don’t even know if I hated him for it because I started to hate myself.

Yesterday I was swiping on tinder and his profile came up. It’s been almost four years since I’ve seen him or spoke to him or known anything of his existence and it just shocked me. I didn’t immediately swipe left I looked through the profile, almost to make sure it was really him. It was.

In hindsight I wish I had reported the profile, but when I was finally sure it was him it was an immediate left and close out tinder. I just want nothing to do with him.

The first to get an emoji next to their name in a long time

I have a few rules when I finally give someone my number. First off it takes awhile for me to give it if I’m unsure about you. I’d rather talk on an app until I feel comfortable. Then I won’t put your name in my phone usually until I meet you. Once I’ve met you, if I like you enough to put your name in, then either you get an emoji next to your name if I like you or just your last name.

This guy got his name and emoji before we even met. We went on a first and second date last week, but of course nonetheless have since been ghosted.

We started talking about a week before and it felt like we talked so much. If we weren’t texting we were on the phone or sleeping. He was so exciting to me. He actually gave me butterflies. There were things about him that I was weary about; he talked about his ex a lot, he was very confusing about his political views (and I would just not really share mine) but I was trying to see pst all of that because I liked his energy.

We finally met on Monday for lunch. He works on base so I met him at the NEX for lunch. He was super sweet and very affectionate holding my hand and sneaking kisses. We had a really great time.

Then Wednesday night I went over for dinner and a movie and again all smiles, so much fun. We had some adult time, some cuddles, and a long good bye that night.

The next morning he called me super early on his way to work and I woke up and answered it and we talked for a bit. And that was just about it. I text him a few times throughout the day and got one word responses, and then no responses.

It sucks, I actually had butterflies for him, and that was the first time in a while. Part of me wants to ask why but the other part of me thinks it’s not worth it. I think ghosting is so cowardly that I wish I could say with full confidence that I wouldn’t want him back anyways, but then there’s the part of me that goes everyone deserves a second chance because I’ve needed them before too, but then the whole fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me creeps in, and the shame on me in the past few years has been real. I guess we’ll see what if anything happens.

I wish I had the balls to write his real name

My lip is literally still swollen from kissing him as I right this, but that doesn’t mean it has a beautiful ending.

We started talking a few days ago and I was so excited. While we didn’t discuss anything in terms of what we wanted relationship wise, I just thought he would be more than a one night stand. I especially thought it wouldn’t be the same kind of situation as many before. Make sure one of your boys calls you and you fake having to leave, it’s the oldest trick in the book. I hope his little girls never have to deal with a situation such as the one he put me in or the feeling that accompanies it. Disappointment, guilt, the nagging wtf is wrong with me, even if I know it’s not me, it’s just a disgusting practice some guys have.

Unrealistic

I spent too much time watching boy meets world this weekend. The thing is I love Cory and Topanga but their relationship isn’t as ideal as the world thinks it is.

I was supposed to go on an ice cream date Saturday night with a guy I’ve talked to for awhile, but Friday night he got kinda quiet and then Saturday we didn’t talk until the afternoon. Finally he said I guess we’re not going out tonight huh and I told him well I figured you’d started losing interest since we’d barely talked. He kind of just oh welled it and said some other time. We haven’t actually talked since.

Usually I just feel like if you don’t meet someone within about a week then you’re not gonna meet them at all. There are exceptions but I don’t think this is one of them.

I’ve been kind of down and missing someone lately. I know one of my biggest problems is I need to let him go and then my life will move forward again but it’s awfully hard. I compare a lot of people to him.

As un-ideal as I think Cory and Topangas relationship is, the truth is I do believe in that kind of fate, that kind of serendipity. I used to have a lot of it in my life and I think maybe I might be missing it. I’m missing the wild and free side of me.

The gummy bear hater

I met a guy who was easy to talk to. We had a lot of common interest but we also had a lot of different interest that complimented each other. We were witty and sarcastic and could banter back and forth.

We went on a date to a coffee shop where music was playing. It was nice, there was a little bit of awkward first time meeting tension but we still talked the whole time.

He was a gentlemen but of course I had that guilty feeling. The he’s not giving me butterflies feeling. I pushed through it and tried to put the thoughts out of my head.

At the end of the night he walked me to my car and kissed me. Two days later he said he thought we Vibed better as friends, and I said I agreed I didn’t feel the right vibe but I don’t necessarily think being friends with someone after you’ve gone on a date with them is that simple. I know how selfish it sounds but I didn’t make a dating profile to make friends. There’s a different kind of investment in that and honestly it’s just not the kind of investment I’m looking to make. So we left it at that. I wish him the best but onwards and upwards.

The clingy good guy

About two weeks ago I went on a date with a guy who was genuinely sweet. He didn’t try to act like anything or anyone but himself. He wasn’t very confident, but any guy who isn’t totally full himself deserves a try.

Within three or four days he asked me on a date and I wasn’t busy so we went. I normally don’t go on a date when I’m asked to meet an hour later but I figured why not. After a half hour of getting ready I was on my way. The traffic was awful as it always is where I live but I got there on time. I sat on a bench waiting, and my heart kind of sank when I finally had the moment to breathe and realize: there were no butterflies. I wasn’t nervous.

When he came up to me we did the awkward one arm hug and just small talked for a second before going inside. We ordered and I still wasn’t feeling anything. He’s shy so I had to keep the conversation going. I felt like I had to ask a hundred questions. He was nice he answered everything honestly. The thing is I didn’t have a bad time, but again I felt nothing.

He paid and we talked a little longer before leaving. As soon as I got home he started about wanting a second date and a relationship in the future. I agreed to a second date because he was a nice guy but knew it wasn’t going to happen for at least a week because I had too much going on. I also explained I wasn’t ready to just jump into a relationship. We only knew each other a few days that would be crazy.

Within two days he was telling me how much he missed me and just acting like we were in a relationship and it made me uncomfortable. I don’t believe in ghosting people. I think it’s fucked up and hurtful. We’re adults, let’s act like them. So I made the decision I had to let him go, but it was hard because he was so nice. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I told him I needed more work on me before committing to a relationship. I know, I know I did the cliche it’s not you it’s me, but I didn’t know what else to do. I really didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

I said we could stay friends and I meant it. He’s a nice guy I thought it would be okay to just check up on him once in awhile. But I didn’t mean text every day, and double text when I don’t respond. I know it’s my fault because I should have been honest about not feeling the vibe. I hope the best for him, unfortunately it’s not me.

First dates

I’ve been on hundreds of first dates. Sometimes I do get to second a third and beyond dates but those are a little fewer. But first dates? Countless.

I’ve been single, like really single for almost three years now. I enjoy my single life and I definitely take breaks from dating but I would like to find someone to spend my life with sooner or later. The biggest problem is I haven’t felt really butterflies in that time period either. I haven’t had the nervous jitters in meeting someone. I haven’t gotten that swoon feeling.

Maybe that’s because I know what I want and I’ve come to a point of high expectations. But I don’t want to lower my standards and I definitely don’t want to settle. If you don’t leave me craving you, waiting for your next text or call, thinking about you at night, then I don’t want you. I’ve been in love before and I’ve had those undescribable feelings. The two times I’ve been in love or what I would consider in love, I’ve known from the moment is started. I knew in the moment I met each of them that they were going to be a part of my life. And I was right. And I don’t regret them at all.

And I miss having those feelings. It was exciting. It was nice having someone to share my life with. It was fun to have an adventure buddy. I loved being in love. But lately I’ve  especially noticed the lack of those feelings. I’ve actually had more on to the next one moments than I want to admit. Sometimes I can really chalk it up to feeling lonely but others I feel like maybe I’ve becomes completely jaded and I don’t know how to snap out of that.

But maybe those moments and first dates are still teaching me lessons… or at least I can hope. On to the next date.